i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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