just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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