It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
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