so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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