I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Randomize
