If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
