Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
