I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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