i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
