Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
