Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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