They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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