There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
