I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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