i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
