hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
