He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
