i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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