You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
