You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
