nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
