Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
