I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
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