Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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