If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
