remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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