wrigley field is MILF paradise
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
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