Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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