I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
