Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
