Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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