so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I believe in your delicious
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Randomize
