Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize