I've blown a few things in my day
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
i've created a new STD.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
