I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
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