I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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