how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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