Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize