My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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