Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
