I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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