my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize