oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
