I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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