That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
