my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
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