You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
