WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
