I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
whose parrot is this?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
