I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Randomize
