A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
