I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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