meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
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