the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
