Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
