Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
