we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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