Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
