are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
