The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
