my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
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