fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
