I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
