and my herpes radar will keep us safe
honey bunches of taint.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize