No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
