don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
